Thursday, September 13, 2012

Let's Play Catch Up

The Pregnancy

Part I: It was a freaking marathon.

And it was amazing. When we found out we (read:I) were pregnant we cried and laughed and panicked. I wanted to tell everyone immediately and at the same time I wanted to savour the news all by myself. Knowing that I was carrying around a life was so unbelievably big an idea that my mind melted on a daily basis.

 I thought about all the ways I would protect this unborn child and yet it also made me think about all the ways that I could not. It reminded me of the Elizabeth Stone quote," making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” I have read the quote many times and, in fairness, I did understand what she meant. But NOW it took on a whole new form and it was monstrous to imagine. Then the pendulum would swing and I would think about trips to the beach, ice cream dates, and all the things we would get to fall in love with all over again through fresh eyes. I thought about skinny toes and fingers that would beg for kisses. Those thoughts kept me sane.

As most of you know we decided not to find out the sex of the baby, but almost immediately I knew it was a boy. We decided to call the baby Hammie, which was short for Hamilton since we didn't know who had hitched a ride on the crazymobile. From this point forward when I use the nickname Hammie I am referring to the baby in my belly, not the baby out of my belly.

Every time B asked about how Hammie's day went I would reply that "he" had a great day zapping all of my energy. We went to several ultrasounds and each time they gave us the option of finding out whether we were having a girl or a boy we held firm in our decision and held each others hand for support. We quietly hoped the other wouldn't give in because then we would both be suckers. The first ultrasound we went to showed one little speck in the middle of a larger speck. Hammie was in what we called the gummy bear phase. The second ultrasound produced a much scarier image. I secretly wondered when Hammie would grow a neck.
This was growing inside me.
It was surreal. The heartbeat was so fast; we were watching life. It was amazing. When the technician would signal the end of our appointment by subtly escorting us to the waiting room we felt we had somehow left Hammie in the ultrasound room. I had a mild panic at one point in the room because B yelled out, "THAT'S MY BOY!!!" My heart sank. I thought, "what if it's a girl?!?!" I shot evil death ray bolts at B because my heart truly believed he had just rejected his daughter. Silly hormones. The third ultrasound we went to made us both anxious and waaaaaay pumped. Hammie looked human!! All of a sudden I was pregnant FOR REALS!
It's for real b*tches.
 I wonder how many times I said that over the entire ten months. (I counted: 14,387) Look at those perfect lips on Hammie!! Totally kissable. Every time the technician passed the magic ultrasound wand over Hammie's body Hammie would take a swipe at it as if to say, "get that wand outta my face." -That further confirmed that B hadn't knocked up a stranger. It was official, this was MY child.

I tried countless times to kiss my belly. It never worked. What did work was early morning singing on my way to work, juiced vegetables, B's belly kisses, and Pannie Mama's nose. There was a beautiful Joni Mitchell cover that I listened to on a daily basis. I would turn up the volume and let Hammie listen to it while I rubbed unseen elbows and knees. I could listen to it another 1000 times and I imagine it will take me back to those nights on the couch wrapped up with my lover. Here is the song:

I can't really think after hearing that song, I just want to take a nap and cuddle. I'm going to go to do that. I'll finish this up another time. Adios.


Nyerere Thornton said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nyerere Thornton said...

this reminds me how you will be with howard, just without the fact it didnt happen of course.

Illeanahappened said...

awww, I hear what you're saying. At first I was like..."uhhhh, gonna cry" but then I read the chorus. That's what you meant, right?!

Nyerere Thornton said...

nick that wasn't long lol and yes that is what i meant. :) he will grow up watching star wars......even if i have to do it myself!!!

Illeanahappened said...

I know. That was part of my master plan to get you on my website. hahahaha

You guys can have that activity. It can be y'alls "thing."

Nyerere Thornton said...

that sounds like a good pplan to me! and yesh it will be our "thing"

Mandy said...

Awww I love reading about this Dom. You're so funny! And you're scaring the shit out of me too! LOL Nonetheless, I'm very excited about getting knocked up....eventually.