The Breastmilk Blues

This last month was a little difficult feeding wise. My milk started to dry up and with it so did my sanity. It apparently doesn't take a lot for my sanity to pack its bags and head out on a weekend adventure. If you ask me I think that my sanity keeps a "go kit" packed by the door, ready for deployment at the slightest hint of what we will refer to as "uncomfortable feelings." I like to have a plan and when life doesn't stick to the freakin script I flip out.

So, where were we? Ah! The milk. I guess around eight and a half months or so our huge container of milk bags in the freezer was low and I also noticed that Howie's appetite was increasing. His daily reports from daycare showed that he was drinking more and more and I was pumping less and less at work. Some days there are just too many meetings for me to catch time to pump and some days I just don't have enough milk to fill up four bottles in eight hours. There were some days that my little cooler only had one lonely bottle of milk. A sad day indeed.

I began to panic thinking that I would have to stop breast-feeding sooner than I would have liked if I couldn't provide enough milk to match his appetite. I've already expressed (get it??) how much I truly love breast-feeding and the thought of having to stop before we both were ready was quite excruciating. I imagined his little face when he is comforted by a midnight nursing and our snuggles under the covers for out afternoon nap knowing that his body recieves all . I wasn't ready to give that up yet. I'm still not ready.

So, when our milk box got down to about three or four bags I knew we were really in trouble. I typically like to keep about a weeks worth of milk in the freezer (I am a self confessed food hoarder) and four bags is barely enough for one day at daycare. So I did what everyone does in situations of sheer panic. I googled that shit.

Google told me stuff I already knew. Google told me to start supplementing his diet with formula. Did I also mention that at the height of milkgate 2013 Howie wasn't interested in food??? Yeah. I panicked the fuck out. Most of the websites out there had information for women who had just delivered and were working on building their initial supply. So I read back over all tips and realized that I had been straying away from the basics.

The Basics

• Eat food
• Drink water
• Empty regularly

I know there are more difficult situations out there for other mothers but once I simplified it out those three things really were the root of the issue for me. I had recently bumped up my activity level at the gym. I went for a bout three workouts a week to five to six intense workouts.


WARNING: objects in photo may appear awesomer than me

I also started cutting carbs from my diet in my attempt to eat healthier again. Third factor: I had gotten away from pumping regularly. It doesn't matter whether or not there are valid reasons for not being able to pump, the body will read it as "milk not needed, cut down supply." Truth.

So, I wasn't eating enough to adequately produce milk and the food I ate was being burned off immediately with my pumped up ass workouts. I mean, the gym is addicting once you start to see results and lets be honest here post preg body is not hot. I had to make a decision between my vanity and breast feeding. I chose breastfeeding.

i love you carbs! we had such good times
together.

I have since added more carbs back into my diet, but I have eliminated the whites. The white potatoes and the pastas and the rices are persona non grata. The rice for a whole separate reason but that's for another day. I just replaced them with healthier carbs that calorie count tells me are okay to eat. All carbs aren't bad, I just don't want to eat a shit ton of empty carbs. I am probably going to follow this post with a recipe for mint chocolate chip cookies so don't judge me, you hooker. I also cut out like ONE workout. Big deal. Not really. I cut out multiple super cardio workouts though. I only do one of those a week now and mainly stick to strength building classes and yoga. So no more multiple boxing classes and cycling and high intensity interval training. Just one of those a week. And lastly, but most importantly I got back to drinking more water. I pretty much only drink water (coffee doesn't count) but I got away from drinking the amounts I needed to keep up production.

I struggled with writing this post for fear of "the jinx" so I am crossing my fingers and hoping the universe doesn't do a "just kidding." But for now I can say that my milk supply is back. The freezer is filling back up and so are my chichi's. I don't know how much longer I will breast feed. I initially planned for a year and some days I still feel that way. I do know that I will try to stick with it as long as Howie needs to until he begins to eat enough food to sustain himself. And when we are ready - both of us, we will stop. I'll probably cry. Until then we still get to tangle up together with my fingers wrapped in his curly hair and his fingers twisting my own curls. I still get to sing him to sleep while he drinks up his mothers love. I live for those moments. I live for him.


**Note: literally the day after I typed this up Howie decided to stop nursing. I don't know if it's because of his ear infection or what but he doesn't want it. I hope that this shit wears off soon because I can't keep up production levels by pumping alone. I also need him to nurse.**

The Pregnancy

Part II: Are We There Yet??

"Just when you think you can't get any bigger, you do." My sister in law gave me that gem. She was correct, you do get...bigger. And BIGGER. I didn't know it was even possible to OUTGROW maternity wear. That's just ridiculous. I am pretty sure everyone at work got a sneak peak of my stretch marked belly that last month. My walks to the restroom five times a day must have been hilarious, because I was penguin-ing that shit up. Coworkers would make special trips to my office just to clean up.

Randoms: "Hey, did you know your stapler is on the floor."

Me: "Yep. That's where it's going to stay too if you don't pick it up."

I had a collection of "desk essentials" scattered across my office. "Tape?!? I mean, who really uses tape these days?" I constantly convinced myself that I didn't really need that thumb drive sitting next to my feet. I got used to pointing. Sometimes (read: always) I got carried away and made requests for help when I was fully capable of accomplishing it on my own.



"Yeah, pour a little more gravy
on those mashed potatoes.
That's how mama likes it."



After I had the baby I had to re-train myself. I kept forgetting that I was no longer physically impaired and could in fact grab a mixing bowl from the lower kitchen cabinet by myself. I had mixed feelings about that.



whatevs



When I asked B when he would like to start trying for a second baby (calm down MOM, we were just making conversation) he said HE needed to recover from this pregnancy before he could even think about a second baby. Apparently I was a little demanding. 

Anywhooooo, I noticed that there was this trap that I fell into around my seventh month. Up until the sixth month I worked out religiously. I did MMA style fitness classes about 5-6 days a week. I also taught three classes a week. I was so proud of myself, I overcame the nausea and headaches and at that point I could still lift my leg to do a mean round kick. THEEEEEEN all of a sudden I started getting dizzy. I had low blood pressure and everything made me dizzy. Walking up stairs - yep, got dizzy. My doctor said I should pick up a different kind of exercise, like walking. wtf. Walking?!? Walking is booooooring. Needless to say I had to stop exercising. I concluded that Hammie was being totally selfish and taking all my awesome juice.  So instead of heading straight to the gym after work I drove home, which spiraled into me climbing in bed at 5 in the afternoon for a "nap." Other people just call it "going to sleep for the night." I got depressed because I couldn't work out and hang out with my workout buddies (I'm looking at you Sherry lol) You know what made me feel better?!?!



  The Trap. Ridiculous, I know.

I didn't actually eat that heart attack in waiting, but if I found a place that served that sort of thing I probably would have. I ate. I ate a lot. I wasn't covered in gravy or anything but that would have been nice. This, my friends, was the above mentioned trap. I couldn't work out, which was a problem in itself. How did I compound that issue?? By eating. Yeah, at some point my twisted logic said, "You know what goes perfect with sitting on the couch? Sausage smoothies." I agreed.

I did juice vegetables every morning (B juiced, I drank)to drink on my way to work though. That, in my mind, balanced out the two brisket sandwiches that I ate for lunch. (just kidding...sort of) Hammie LOVED the vegetable juice. Usually about five minutes after I drank said concoction he would explode with movement. I imagined that he was doing a happy food dance. I think everyone in my family has their own happy food dance. I am sure you have a happy food dance also, you just may not even be aware of it. We like to be self aware.

If you're interested in doing a happy food dance from the veggie blood, here is the recipe:

1/2 green apple

4  celery stalks (include the leaves)

1 cucumber (leave the skin on)

2 carrots

1 handful of spinach

It was delicious. It's like drinking your salad without that awful salad dressing we all need. It was simple, it was delicious, and it made my baby do a happy dance.

CIAO