we will not negotiate with terrorists

That is our new mantra around the house. As I recently noted The Tyrant is here to stay but Hopefully we can temper his blow, because right now it is mighty.

Howie has learned to arch his back and throw himself with wild abandon into the unknown. Sometimes there is a warning first like a squishy nose, narrowed eyes, or maybe a call of frustration. Instead of giving me small queues to let me know he is sleepy and ready to nurse he now goes from happy and content baby to full on "I'm going to die if I don't get my milk RIGHT NOW" in like one second. Sometimes he isn't even hungry or tired he just doesn't want his boogers wiped or his diaper changed. I can dig it kid. I hate doing things too. I like to throw a good tantrum. Apparently it's no longer socially acceptable for me to do that, but in my miiiiind I still want to.

When he first started these tantrums we feared the obvious - does he have gas? Is he in pain? What if he is teething? Is it another ear infection? How do I take away my sweet loves pain? I think B and I both remember how painful it was to watch Howie when we were dealing with his acid reflux and that it has colored our decision making with The Tyrant. It's hard as a parent to distinguish between his pain and his frustration and its even harder to stomach the look on his face when he is mid-cry.

What do you want kid a new pony? You got it.

A singing whale? Coming right up!

When he is cranky and fussy we sing songs and dance and make funny noises and other random ideas to get him to calm down.

Well NO MORE say we!!!! NO MORE NEGOTIATING WITH TERRORISTS!

We are getting better at determining if he is in pain and I would say 7 out of 10 cries are because he is being a brat and doesn't want to get his shit together i.e. getting his nose wiped or his butt wiped for that matter. So in the case that he isn't getting mauled by a bear and he is full of milk we have taken to putting his tantrum throwing bootay in his crib and walking out of the room.

Simple enough concept. I know I've often suggested this remedy to other parents (obviously before I was a parent) in an off the cuff manor as if to say "duh, ignore your kid yo." But when it's YOUR kid the stakes are higher. The connection deeper. I think most moms will agree that we can feel their cries vibrating every cell in our bodies. That's what I feel. It resonates so deeply that to ignore it seems more than criminal just down right morally reprehensible. So overcoming that, to me, seemed like a superhuman feat. Well, I finally got over all that hippiespeak this weekend when Howie wouldn't let me do any packing for our upcoming trip. He wanted to scream and shout and shake it all about.






Howie looking for his crowd.



So I picked him up, gave him a kiss and set him and his ruffled feathers in his bed. I turned on the video monitor, shut the door and waited in my room to see how this little experiment was going to turn out. Well let me tell you folks, within one second of closing that bedroom door he stopped screaming. His little head cocked back as if to say "where the hell did my audience go?!" He looked around a couple of times then sat down and played with his sleep sheep. In ten seconds this baby was singing to the sheep and trying to eat his blanket.

Mom is no longer amused.

I walked back in his room and he was all laughs! I couldn't believe it! I thought it must have been a fluke. Nope. We had multiple opportunities to test this theory. And each time except one he stopped crying immediately. The one time he kept crying was because he was in fact sleepy as all hell. Side note: he has become quite efficient at putting himself to sleep but that's for another post. Side note to the side note: my whole life is a side note.

 

In conclusion, ignore your baby yo! And don't negotiate with terrorists! They'll only learn to be better terrorists! Unless the terror is real. In that case don't ignore them; meet all demands.

This is the face of a content baby that has found a tag to
play with. He was crying 5 seconds before this shot.



 

The Breastmilk Blues

This last month was a little difficult feeding wise. My milk started to dry up and with it so did my sanity. It apparently doesn't take a lot for my sanity to pack its bags and head out on a weekend adventure. If you ask me I think that my sanity keeps a "go kit" packed by the door, ready for deployment at the slightest hint of what we will refer to as "uncomfortable feelings." I like to have a plan and when life doesn't stick to the freakin script I flip out.

So, where were we? Ah! The milk. I guess around eight and a half months or so our huge container of milk bags in the freezer was low and I also noticed that Howie's appetite was increasing. His daily reports from daycare showed that he was drinking more and more and I was pumping less and less at work. Some days there are just too many meetings for me to catch time to pump and some days I just don't have enough milk to fill up four bottles in eight hours. There were some days that my little cooler only had one lonely bottle of milk. A sad day indeed.

I began to panic thinking that I would have to stop breast-feeding sooner than I would have liked if I couldn't provide enough milk to match his appetite. I've already expressed (get it??) how much I truly love breast-feeding and the thought of having to stop before we both were ready was quite excruciating. I imagined his little face when he is comforted by a midnight nursing and our snuggles under the covers for out afternoon nap knowing that his body recieves all . I wasn't ready to give that up yet. I'm still not ready.

So, when our milk box got down to about three or four bags I knew we were really in trouble. I typically like to keep about a weeks worth of milk in the freezer (I am a self confessed food hoarder) and four bags is barely enough for one day at daycare. So I did what everyone does in situations of sheer panic. I googled that shit.

Google told me stuff I already knew. Google told me to start supplementing his diet with formula. Did I also mention that at the height of milkgate 2013 Howie wasn't interested in food??? Yeah. I panicked the fuck out. Most of the websites out there had information for women who had just delivered and were working on building their initial supply. So I read back over all tips and realized that I had been straying away from the basics.

The Basics

• Eat food
• Drink water
• Empty regularly

I know there are more difficult situations out there for other mothers but once I simplified it out those three things really were the root of the issue for me. I had recently bumped up my activity level at the gym. I went for a bout three workouts a week to five to six intense workouts.


WARNING: objects in photo may appear awesomer than me

I also started cutting carbs from my diet in my attempt to eat healthier again. Third factor: I had gotten away from pumping regularly. It doesn't matter whether or not there are valid reasons for not being able to pump, the body will read it as "milk not needed, cut down supply." Truth.

So, I wasn't eating enough to adequately produce milk and the food I ate was being burned off immediately with my pumped up ass workouts. I mean, the gym is addicting once you start to see results and lets be honest here post preg body is not hot. I had to make a decision between my vanity and breast feeding. I chose breastfeeding.

i love you carbs! we had such good times
together.

I have since added more carbs back into my diet, but I have eliminated the whites. The white potatoes and the pastas and the rices are persona non grata. The rice for a whole separate reason but that's for another day. I just replaced them with healthier carbs that calorie count tells me are okay to eat. All carbs aren't bad, I just don't want to eat a shit ton of empty carbs. I am probably going to follow this post with a recipe for mint chocolate chip cookies so don't judge me, you hooker. I also cut out like ONE workout. Big deal. Not really. I cut out multiple super cardio workouts though. I only do one of those a week now and mainly stick to strength building classes and yoga. So no more multiple boxing classes and cycling and high intensity interval training. Just one of those a week. And lastly, but most importantly I got back to drinking more water. I pretty much only drink water (coffee doesn't count) but I got away from drinking the amounts I needed to keep up production.

I struggled with writing this post for fear of "the jinx" so I am crossing my fingers and hoping the universe doesn't do a "just kidding." But for now I can say that my milk supply is back. The freezer is filling back up and so are my chichi's. I don't know how much longer I will breast feed. I initially planned for a year and some days I still feel that way. I do know that I will try to stick with it as long as Howie needs to until he begins to eat enough food to sustain himself. And when we are ready - both of us, we will stop. I'll probably cry. Until then we still get to tangle up together with my fingers wrapped in his curly hair and his fingers twisting my own curls. I still get to sing him to sleep while he drinks up his mothers love. I live for those moments. I live for him.


**Note: literally the day after I typed this up Howie decided to stop nursing. I don't know if it's because of his ear infection or what but he doesn't want it. I hope that this shit wears off soon because I can't keep up production levels by pumping alone. I also need him to nurse.**

Bug Bites

Little bites with a little mouth with two little tiny teeth. Howie recently fell in love with food. This is a very big deal in our world. We tried for months to get him to eat and all we got in return was a closed mouth and averting eyes. Parents can only play it cool for so long. I google searched every online forum looking for a solution. There were serious fears that I would have to drive down to Howie's elementary school every day so that he could nurse because he wouldn't want to eat his packed lunch.

 One of my close girlfriends has a son that is about four weeks older than Howie and she gave me some great advice. She basically told me to chill out. She told me that as long as he was gaining weight as expected then to just let him develop his curiosity naturally. So we waited.

Howie was bumped up to to the older kids room where all the kids eat lunch and snacks. Well, the day he moved to that class he started eating. Just like that. On Sunday he refused food and on Monday he loved it. So ultimately the lesson of this story is that peer pressure is real.

On Sunday's I make Howie's "lunch" for the week. Here are a few of our favorite combos:

• Carrots and Sweet Potatoes
• Sweet Potatoes and Bananas
• Green Beans and Apples
• Green Beans and Pears
• Yogurt and Strawberries
• Apple and Pear

The green beans and apples are by far his favorite foods so far. I'm excited to see what combos he likes in the future.

Nine Months

The Rundown:

· We have teeth. That's plural people, we have two. Yes and yes if you're wondering.

· Howie recently graduated (excuse the hell outta me) to the "walker’s room” at daycare and he all of a sudden became a fan of food. This kid is eating everything. I guess he didn't want to be the only baby in the class that only wants mama's milk.

· We spent the majority of December cuddled up because of the cold weather.

· The Tyrant has arrived people. Apparently the other thing he has learned in the walker’s room is the art of throwing a tantrum.  And let me tell you, he has mastered it. This kid will whip out that bottom lip faster than you can roll your eyes, and that’s a promise. I’ve tried it.

· In stark contrast to his tyrannical ways he also holds my face to nibble on my chin which I think is just the cutest thing ever.

Three Months

And then there were smiles...

 

Howie's Rundown

• There were a million smiles this month and they were all wonderful and even more expressions of W-T-F. He is my child.
• More dates at the park.
• First trips to the pool - I think it's obvious from his expression that he wasn't really feelin' it.
• This month was a lot of fun.
• July Fourth in Houston
• Grandad water boarded Howie during his first babysitting gig. He was then rocked to sleep by Uncle J's ukulele and Uncle Chef's singing. It was literally three men and baby over there y'all.
• Howie fell in love with the baby swing at Abuela's house which made us go out and buy one when we got back to Austin.
• He discovered the mirror this month and he is loving it. 

Two Months

 

Remember everything I said about mastering the baby sleep? Yeah...you can just toss that out the window. Howie cried for 2 weeks straight. Every time he nursed he fell asleep and the moment we laid him down he let out a painful cry and woke up. We couldn't keep him asleep longer than five minutes at a time unless we were holding him against our chests. We went on like this for two whole weeks. It was so hard to watch him in pain. We tried so many different things to help soothe him. We thought it might be trapped gas, we wondered if it was the dreaded "C" word (colic), I worried that my mom juice was poisoning him, and then we wondered if maybe he just wanted to be held by us. So we held him. Everyday and nearly every night. We had to throw out the schedule because he wouldn't take naps; he threw up, and he cried. It was so difficult for us to sit by and watch him squirm in pain and not be able to do anything about it. Turns out he had acid reflux. One new inclined sleeper set, a trip to the doctor, and a prescription for baby zantac cleared it right up. It was like having a new baby, or rather our old baby back.

Howie's Rundown

• Bath time becomes a father/son event. I love watching these two together. I can see every hope a father can have for a son in B's eyes everytime they lock eyes. It's beautiful.
• Howie took his first road trip to Houston to visit my huge family. He was kissed and passed back and forth through the masses. And he didn't sleep.
• We got a little cabin fever so we wrapped him up in layers upon layers and laid out at Zilker Park with the dogs. It was awesome. I imagined me as a baby and my parents laid out on blankets with me at the park. There are so many pictures of the three of us cuddled up in the sunshine taking in the breeze at Houston's Herman Park. I felt so blessed to carry on the tradition of sitting in the sun.
• Mom resumed kickboxing workouts during the day. One of the benefits of being an instructor meant a key to the gym and the ability to workout in between classes when it was quiet. I took Howie with me to the gym, nursed him, put him to sleep on the mat and worked out for about 30 minutes or so before he woke up and told me to take him the f home. 
  

  

  Just like this.
   Except that Howie is a baby.
   And he's not white.
  And he wasn't this polite.

  
  
• Howie didn't sleep this month. Did I mention that?
• Public places do not scare him. Lots of outings; no meltdowns - for him. 
  
  



Howie's First Month

Our first month jkjk

Hambug's first month flew by. Abuela stayed in Austin with us for a week to help out since I was recovering from surgery (and because this was my first baby and she didn't want me to shake him like a Polaroid picture), then B stayed home for about two weeks. So that was almost a full month right there. Abuela's help was invaluable during that first week home. B went back to work that week to catch up on some assignments, so it was Hambug, Abuela and I hanging out at home eating up my freezer meals. I ate a lot of soup this week and Abuela made a great salmon meal for us to devour while hovering around in utter exhaustion.

Hambug

Hambug was amazing. We just stared at him for the first few days. He pretty much just slept through the first two weeks. Everyone told me to sleep when the baby sleeps, and I didn't. I wanted to stay up and watch him sleep. I am now going to impart that bit of knowledge out to all you future moms - sleep when the baby sleeps. You'll do yourself a favor. The first month he still had his day's and nights mixed up and we were awake for hours in the middle of the night and took mini naps during the day as can be expected with a newborn. We did a lot of snuggling this month.


lots of snuggling

 My sister in law gave us a book called "The Contented Baby" and it really helped me to understand the schedule of a newborn. The book helps parents to schedule feedings, exercise, and naps to get babies to sleep through the night faster. There are a lot of theories on why this is a good book and many on why it is ridiculous. For us, it was amazing. You can find your own path, but it really helped us. So, I fed him, bathed him, and put him to sleep on a schedule and it worked! He learned his nights and slept for a relatively long time at night. Once we got him on schedule he was taking about 4 naps during the day (i think) and his last feed for the night was around 10 pm and that sleep lasted until about 4 am (this is considered a long time in babyworld). We really thought we mastered the baby.


Parents - 1, Sleep Deprivation - 0

Recovering from Surgery

Sooooo, things are gonna get real over here so if you are squeamish just look away. LOOK AWAY NOW! Now that we have those guys out of the way we can get down to the nitty gritty. I think it's  safe to assume that everyone knows I'm gross. I get a kick out of grossing people out. Luckily, I am accepted anyway. It might be another episode of "When keeping it real goes wrong" but we'll just have to find out.

The hardest thing that I had to deal with in the hospital was the first step out of bed. That was a doozy. By the second evening after the surgery the nurses took out my catheter (sexy, I know) and I had to walk to the restroom on my own. That first time I tried to support my full body weight on my tiny little feet (which was a losing war from the jump because my body weight to feet size ratio was JACKED!) was painful. I felt shocks run up my abdominal muscles and they cried out "die now. go lay down and die." Even my muscles are dramatic. I didn't feel the incision too much, but my muscles were just all wobbly and they didn't know how to function anymore so that was wack. I took the second step and it was a little easier, but it was still very painful to stand up straight. So I didn't. I just hobbled my silly, fat butt over to the restroom by myself. I tried to use the restroom..and I distinctly remember hearing crickets. There was no urine to be found. My body was releasing fluids like crazy when I had my catheter (can we just say that they are heaven and hell all rolled into one little tube) and I was shedding all the fluid my body was clinging to. But when I tried to use the restroom, nothing. It was a mind thing. I was so afraid of the pain that I just hobbled back to bed. Eventually a nurse showed me a trick of just pushing on the side of my stomach and it came right on out much like a squirt bottle. By that evening my mom had me walking the hallways around the hospital. She made sure I stood up tall and straight and that I took it very slow. Thanks for that mom.

From there the usual suspects showed up: ghastly amounts of blood, enough gas to heat a hot air balloon, and lack of energy. The most pain I encountered post-delivery was gas and pooping, and stomach cramping. (I told your ass to look away) I ended up having to go back to the hospital that first week because that kolache (THAT ONE) came back to ruin my life. There was lots of stomach cramping and pain associated with that. We went to Ikea like the second week so I could find a reclining chair to nurse in. That was fun.

Breastfeeding

We stayed in the hospital about four days and it was great. The hospital we delivered at was really great. The staff was fantastic, the nurses were a blessing and the room - was the shit. We had a coffee maker, a microwave, a sofa bed, and a mini-fridge. The evening nurses would hoard bags of snacks for us before the kitchen closed (or the sneaky staff ate them all). We had fresh peanut butter, sandwiches, fruit, fresh juice all stockpiled in the mini-fridge so that we could snack in the middle of the night when Hambug woke up to nurse.

Breastfeeding was hard at first. I won't tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do. Do what you want, do what you can. B and I were committed to breastfeeding exclusively. We went to a class while I was pregnant that answered a lot of questions that I had and it gave us a realistic picture of what to expect. If you are pregnant and thinking about breastfeeding I strongly encourage you to take a class at your hospital or through La Leche League or somewhere similar. My hospital was very encouraging to all new moms when it came to breastfeeding. They would not give him any bottles the entire time we were in the hospital unless we instructed them to or if there was a medical need for it. Luckily he is MY child and he latched on right away. This kid wasn't gonna miss a meal.

I started eating oatmeal every morning during the entire last month of pregnancy to aide in milk production. My milk came in probably my last day in the hospital. Before that it was all colostrum. You can read about all that somewhere else. The hard part was nursing through the pain and exhaustion. It is a little painful at the beginning while my nipples toughened up. They were sore, but it all comes down to technique. The correct latch is not painful. It took a while for us to get through it painlessly.

Words cannot describe the awesomeness of breastfeeding for me. I was tired, sure but all I had to do was look down at this little tiny body that we made from scratch and it was all worth it. B helped out immensely by waking up each time Hambug woke up. He changed his diaper then brought him over to me so that I could nurse. B would go back to sleep while I nursed and it really turned into our special time. I held him close and whispered all the special words a mom gives her new baby. Words really cannot express how beautiful this time is for us. It is still beautiful. Everyday.

Hambug's Rundown

• Whenever he got fussy B and I sang to him and he would calm down to listen. It got to a point when we were communicating via song to keep him from spazzing out. Imagine the Sound of Music minus the talent.
• He was fascinated by hands. The itsy bitsy spider is the greatest thing ever.
• Cutest lip ever
• Hambug is actually Pancake's baby. She sleeps under his crib and will not leave any room that he is in. She follows him everywhere, and when he cries she whines. We now call her Nurse Pannie. When we ask Nurse Pannie "where is your baby" she panics and goes to search for him.



Nurse Pannie



*** I promise all of my posts wont be this long ***

The Birth Story - A New Mom

FYI - Kinda Long. Hope You Have Time.

For nearly a month I tried to convince myself that I would go into labor early. My mom knew better. She said I would be pregnant forever. We did tons of walking trying to get baby Hammie out, we even went hiking in the park a few times. Yet every week I would waddle my way into the doctor's office and he would tell me that I'd made "no progress." It took everything in me to play it cool, but I wanted to freak out. (I usually did as soon as I left his office)

Every night I fell asleep whispering sweet words of encouragement to get Hammie moving. Every morning I woke up and had the grand pleasure of going to work instead. I didn't want to rush him, I was just ready to meet him (or her at this point). I was ready to hear those cries, to feel those fingers. I wanted to know who I had been carrying around for almost a year. The suspense was agonizing.

My mother in law flew into Austin a week before my due date just in case Hammie came early...no such luck. My due date came and went and her time here with us was winding down. We had fears that she would have to fly back before I delivered. The week of my due date we went in for our regular weekly appointment with the doctor only to hear that I still hadn't made any progress. My doctor is old school and didn't want to induce labor if it could be avoided, (which I agree with completely) so he was willing to let me go 14 days after my due date before inducing. That would be a full week after my mother in law left.

 It was very important to both of us that she be a part of the birth. So there we were at the doctor's office the week of my due date (I was still working by the way), I asked the Dr. if he would be willing to induce us before Mom left and he said he would be willing to try, but if "conditions" in my body weren't optimal then inducing wouldn't work and we may end up with a cesarean birth. He scheduled my week 41 appointment and said see you next week.  My doctor instructed me not to eat anything on the morning of my next appointment just in case "conditions were right for an induction."

I returned to work. Nobody wanted to ride in the elevator with me. I work with all guys and they all volunteered to drive me to the hospital if my water broke. Some guys even joked that they were worried I would have the baby in the office. uuuuuhhhhh...negative ghost rider. I had a plan. I was going to call B, then drive myself home, theeeeen we would go to the hospital together. I wanted to labor at home as long as possible before going to the hospital. So I figured if I paid attention to my body I could catch the early signs and head home before the "real pain" started. I would under no circumstances allow "the guys" to deliver my baby in an elevator. 

Week 41 -
I didn't eat! I set my appointment for the first the first available time slot at 7:45 am. My mother was on stand-by in Houston. She decided not to go in to work so that she could drive to Austin if "today was the day." We walked in full of nerves, full of excitement, and full of fear that I would be sent home again. The doctor did what the doctor does and announced that my body was just too damn efficient at holding in baby Hammie. We scheduled an ultrasound to double check that Hammie was safe and sound in my belly. So we scheduled an ultrasound for the same afternoon and agreed that we would try to induce in three days. THE SUSPENSE!!!

So on one hand I was definitely NOT going to have a baby that day, buuuuut I was free to finally eat (it was at least 8:30 am by this time). I walked out in a huff, rubbed my belly, leaned on B, and shed a tear or two. I called my mom and let her know that she could go to work after all, that we were going to try in a few days and she could just plan on driving up then. We had an hour before the ultrasound so we went down the street to grab some kolaches. Yes people, is that a surprise? I drowned my sorrows with bacon.

Surprise, Surprise. We went to the ultrasound fat and full. Then I started having contractions. I figured it was false labor because it really just felt like my abdominal muscles were twitching. The doctor conducting the ultrasound took a few peeks at Hammie, smiled at us and said, "Congratulations! You need to go to the hospital right now, you are going to have your baby today." We couldn't believe it. We kinda looked at each other and this sort of calm just hit me, like I was moving in slow motion. "We are going to have our baby today." WOW.

Turns out that Hammie was breeched!! He was running out of room in my belly and he couldn't turn around to follow the exit signs. No wonder my body wasn't getting into position to give birth. The woman's pelvis needs the baby's head to apply pressure to get things moving..and my baby's head was instead snuggled up next to my heart. Like so:


We asked again a couple more times if the doctor was sure we were going to have a baby. She informed us that we needed to go to the hospital immediately and that I would be having a cesarean birth. The moment finally arrived; we were going to have a baby. Then I realized I had just eaten my fill and that it would definitely throw a wrench in the plans. I called my mom, who was now on her way to work, to relay the news. She screamed! haha She told me not to have the baby until she got to Austin. I laughed. She still needed to turn around, drive home to pick up my dad, then drive the 3 hours it takes to get to Austin. I told her I would do what I could. B's mom was at our house waiting on us so we asked if we could stop by to pick her up before going to the hospital. Negative. (it was worth a shot) So B took me to the hospital, got me checked in then drove to pick up his mom.

The nurses at the hospital were amazing. As soon as I got checked in the hooked me up to the monitor and my doctor came in to do another examination. He held my hand and said that we would be doing a c-section birth. I think he thought I was going to freak out. I was not the mom that needed to have a vaginal birth. Most of my life I joked that I would never squeeze a baby out of my hoohah and that they would have to cut it out instead. Touche universe, touche. Since I managed to stuff my face in the short amount of time since I'd left his office he said that we would need to wait eight hours before going into surgery. I called my mom back and let her know that they didn't need to rush to Austin, that we would be delivering later in the evening.

B and his mom made it back to the hospital and I caught them up on all the news, which wasn't much. Around this time my contractions were coming pretty regularly so I called the nurse to let her know that they were getting stronger. She did a check and told me that my cervix was starting to open and that it was FOR REAL BI*CHES!!!! I called mom for the update and they were already about 40 miles outside of Austin (they were speeding the whole way obviously) and would be there as soon as possible. I mean, clearly they were setting a world record. She said that I better not have the baby before she got there (again) and I told her it wasn't up to me. The nurse came back and said that I needed to get prepped for the operating room because they were going to get started immediately. They didn't want to risk me going in to full blown labor.


Grandma Bev and I freaking out with excitement.

This is the point when my nerves kicked in. I was soo excited and sooo unbelievably happy and at the same time I was so overwhelmed that I just stopped talking at this point. I think I probably nodded a few times while nurses swirled around me hooking me up to things and moving my bed around. B threw on his operating room jumpsuit thingy and Grandma Bev (B's mom) beamed with excitement. I was so thankful that she was able to be here for the birth. The nurses looked me in the eye and said, "It's time. We need to go." I was crushed. I didn't want to go in without my mom. She couldn't miss this. Where was my family?? At the exact mom that my bed was being pushed out of the room my mother ran in. relief. She kissed me and made a little face like she was about to break out in sobs. She was rushed to the restroom to put on her jumpsuit thingy too.

The epidural - wasn't bad at all. My nurse held my hands as I bent over to get my epidural and I remember imprinting her face like a baby duck. I thought, I am your responsibility. Don't let me hurt. My eyes must have said everything because she held me and hugged me and told me she would be there through the whole process.  Meanwhile, B was in the hallway mastering the art of the "steady hand."


Steady Hands

In the Operating Room

I tried not to look at all the tools of the trade, but I saw a few. Minor freak out. I plugged them into my memory bank for a later date. Everything from this point happened pretty quickly. B came in and held me and kissed me then the doctor said that he was almost done cutting through all my nether regions. They gave me a heads up that I would feel lots of tugging, which I did, but it wasn't painful, or alarming at all. I practiced the breathing that I use with yoga to slow my heart rate down when I felt anxious and I focused on listening for the baby's cry. I felt this big, long, deep ssssslllllluuuuurrrrrrrrpppppppp (which is exactly what you would imagine it to feel like) and the doctor announced, "We have a gentleman!!" I thought it was soo fitting that he used the word "gentleman."

I cried. B cried. B brought his head down and whispered "it's a boy." It was an amazing moment. Howard was here.


A gentleman.

When I looked back at the video that B recorded in the OR I was able to piece together the whole picture. Howie had such a loud and strong cry. He cried and screeched as they cleaned his little body and the exact moment I spoke to him he stopped. Instantly. I didn't know it then, but when I watched the video I cried. There was proof, he recognized my voice out of the ten other voices in the room. Oh, I cried. Here was our child. When I stopped talking to him he resumed crying. They snuggled him in his little blanket and brought him over for mommy kisses. I told him that I had been waiting on him and that I loved him and he settled down again and listened to my voice. It was perfect.

B and Howie left the OR to get measured and clothed (and introduced to grandparents) and my mom took up her shift by my side in the operating room while I was stapled back together. She rubbed my nose like only a mother can and I took a quick nap.  She has been doing that since I was a baby; rubbing my nose until I fall asleep. It was only fitting that it come full circle.

I met up with Howie and B about 20/30 minutes later fully awake and alert. Here are some pictures from our time in the hospital and our first few days at home.



He still makes this face when he cries.



This was immediately after the surgery before being wheeled into my room.
(check out that hat...not covering ANY of my hair)



Proud Papa



Grandma Bev!



Grandad



Abuela



A little nip action - don't freak people.



Our first family photo.



A mom, a grandma, a son, a father.